If I only had a Brain
by Charlatan Exodus
Summary: Jack mucks around with the border between knowledge and intelligence
1. Chapter 1

If I only had a brain

You know, there's been some times in Harvest Moon that I wished there was a scarecrow on the farm. A scarecrow so that one day Jack would be working out in the fields and it could club him over the head and take his place, because hey, it couldn't be any dumber than some of the Jacks in HM fan fiction. A smart, if pumpkin-headed Jack would be fun to write about, but since there's no scarecrow in any of the games I've played, I guess if we want a smart farmer Jack, we're going to have to start from the beginning.

**Chapter 1: New Jack**

"Do you think you're going to just sit there at the computer all summer?!" Mother shouted, in Jack's room, next to Jack's desk, next to Jack's ear.

"Yes." Jack said simply.

"Oh? And why do you think that is?" Mother asked, and she was tempted to add "you retard." But she was still Jack's mother and she would wait to hear the explanation, before she called it stupid.

With a sigh, Jack leaned forward onto his desk and stood up from his chair and the EGG he'd been sitting on! A white egg the size of a man's head!! With a silent ta-da, Jack indicated the reason why he was not going to get up from his chair anymore than absolutely necessary. At least until school started.

Jack's mother was also completely silent. I mean what exactly do you say to something like THAT? Once she almost thought of something, but as she opened her mouth to speak, Jack butted in with "If it was a regular egg, I wouldn't be able to sit on it."

That forced her to ponder a bit more. Finally she just broke down and said, "So, you're a girl after all."

"MOM!! LAST TIME I CHECKED HUMAN GIRLS CAN'T LAY EGGS!!"

"I KNOW but, I mean, how could this have happened?"

"I don't know either! It happened the night school ended, after that end-of-class party where I invented the eggroll burrito and the 31 flavor soda. I fell asleep at my desk, woke up with a load in my pants, and this was the load!"

And so, despite being almost as idiotic as Old Jack (if not more so), he (she? New Jack anyway) convinced Mother and Father to let them stay inside all summer, rather than going out to boring camps or dragging them along to meet dull relatives. So it was just Jack and Eggy inside at Jack's desk, and Jack read comic books and played video games until he was out of both. He requested more from Mother when she came to bring him his meals, but she brought library books and his summer reading instead. So when Jack started school that fall, he had two secrets: number one, he had finished all his homework for the next four years, and number two, Jack had hatched his very own baby dragon.

At first, he kept his baby with him in his backpack, but a few close calls and near discoveries convinced Jack to let go a little, and leave it home in the care of "Grandma." Jack's Mother was obviously less than thrilled about facing a grandchild so soon, so her care amounted to sliding increasing amounts of food under Jack's door. The little dragon lived on that, at first under the desk, then inside the closet, and finally under the bed. Then, one day Jack came home just as the dragon was deciding it was too big for the bedroom.

It shoved the wall out of its way and took off into the air! Jack's parents ran into his room, took look out the side of their house at the neighborhood going up in flames. "Sooo... that's what hatched from your egg, huh?" "Yep" With the police sirens chasing, the piled into the family country and fled their city...


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: New Jack, New Farm**

Out in the middle of nowhere, Jack's parents dropped him off to live with one of the dull relatives he hadn't visited all summer. "Now we're just going to split up until the heat dies down, Jack." Jack's Mother said. "Your father and I will mail in the rest of your homework so you won't have to go to school anymore. Once we think its safe, we'll come back for you."

"And then we can all go find Baby!" Jack said, "Poor little thing... Must be so scared all alone..."

"Right... well... You remember what to tell Grandpa Takakura right? Okayloveyou GOODBYE!"

As Jack's parents piled the car, leaving their child with little more than a fishing pole and a clutched picture, Jack's mother said "He'll be okay here, right? I mean, I'm sure it was just the junk food chemicals, but still..."

"Don't worry, honey, there aren't that many flavor combinations here for him to play with," Jack's father assured her, "But Lord help the country if he starts growing eggplant..."

So off they went with the words "MEXICO OR BUST" written proudly on their backside.

Onto the farm, his farm?, Jack walked. He entered the first building on the left next to the barn. Takakura's place, if his parents told him true. And sure enough, there was an "old gray man with a sushi chef's haircut, asleep in an armchair as old and tired as he was." Jack took a small bottle out of his pocket and spritzed out a few pink clouds of perfume.

As the smell wafted under the old man's nose, he began to stir. "nnnnmmm... huh? izzat...?" He opened his eyes (...I think) and saw a blurry vision of blonde radiance.

"OH MUFFY!! IT IS YOU!! YOU CAME BACK TO ME you..."

Realizing he now clutched a photograph, he rounded upon the one at the other end of the fishing pole!

"Manami tol'me!" Jack choked out as his throat was pinned against the wall.

"...'MA' Nami told you?!" Takakura looked down at the boy who was trying to nod in a very awkward position. Takakura decided it was enough to let him go.

Takakura sighed as the kid gasped for breath, "So you're Nami's kid. I can still remember when those to left the farm to me. Said they were going to the city to get you some better schooling, and here you are, all graduated."

"Yes, sir" Jack panted, "Grandpa Takakura."

" 'Grandpa?' Why're you calling me...?" He started to ask, before he answered himself. "Oh. I see. I never really knew much about Nami's past, but making me promise in advance to cover for you sure makes me wonder..."

"Ah well." He got up and went to the door. "Come on 'Grandson,' let's go to the Mayor's to get your paperwork and alibi all taken care of."

He went out and out Jack followed him. Out the door and they turned to go out of the farm. "So you arrived in Forget-Me-Not Valley in early spring..."

"...but school starts in the fall, so I thought- 

"-Ah, but nobody starts farming anytime except early spring, and it just so happens tomorrow is Spring day 1."

"Oh..." Jack said as they reached the edge of the farm and turned to go into town.

"Where do you think you're going?!" Takakura asked, already on the bridge heading across the river.

"But I thought... Town's..?"

"First we gotta convince people you're a farmer, and that means getting out in the country and talking to other farmers."

"oh." Jack said.

"Don't worry, we can see the nearest farm from here. Look!"

Just across the bridge was a fenced in patch of vegetable patches. Behind them were some white half can-shape green houses, and some wooded buildings. Were those windmills?

"Our farm is a one cow dairy farm. It has a field full of rocks, tree stumps and weeds. Therefore I actually DO need a farm hand to plant crops. This is where we buy those crops' seeds."

Just then a freckle-faced carrot-top ran by with her little pig-tails flapping behind her.

"Hey, Vesta. 

"Oh!" She spun around, "Hi, Mr. Takakura!"

"We came here to buy some planting seeds. Is-"

"Oh! Just a sec!" The little girl Vesta spun and ran straight into the house shouting "CELIA!!"

"No! Get Marlin! I don't want to talk to..."

An enormous black-haired woman in a green dress stomped out with a cute bundle of orange hair hidden at her heels. Her apron was the same off white as her bandana if more stains, and if the stains had been bloodstains it still couldn't have made her angry glare any more frightening.

"Uh, hi, there, Big Celia..." Takakura smiled big and pushed Jack's hat down in a friendly gesture, "This here's my new farm-hand. He'll be by someday for seed so I thought I'd introduce..."

"Red-head, eh?" Celia frowned, "I already don't like him..."

"OH you know city kids! Always dying their hair." Jack got behind Takakura as they both backed off quickly. "I'm sure it'll wash out eventually!"

"Oh! Since when do you hate red-hair?" Vesta came around and punched Celia on the leg. Considering how much smaller Vesta was than Celia, the effect was adorable rather than painful. Celia smiled affectionately down at her big dimpled grin, and turned to the boys who'd used the moment of distraction to RUN AWAY!!

"...huff... huff... I'm almost afraid to ask... what's at the farm... across... the street..."

"Oh, those're just some new folks up from Mineral Town. I think they run a chicken farm."

Sure enough there was a brown haired young man in glasses was out feeding the chickens in the yard. Then, the most beautiful pink-haired girl stepped out the front door and called to him. The two were too far away to hear the resulting argument. But then the girl slammed the door and they were finally able to close their mouths as they saw the boy sigh and go in.

"That's his sister. She's single." Takakura cleared his throat, "But if you're thinking about picking up some chick(en)s, then you do it on your own money. I'm only giving you money to buy seeds for me."

"Not nearly enough." Jack said. "Money..."

"Heh Come on, kiddo. Let's at least get you into the town before you take a girl out on it."


End file.
